men's mental health awareness series 22

Depression Doesn’t Always Look Like Sadness

Dearest Gentle Reader,

Most people think depression means lying in bed all day, crying, unable to move. And yes, sometimes it does look like that. But not always.

In men, depression often looks like quiet withdrawal, irritability, constant fatigue, emotional detachment, or going through the motions of life without truly feeling anything. It can wear the face of the “high-functioning” man—getting up every morning, going to work, checking all the boxes, making people laugh, staying productive—yet inside, he feels empty, joyless, and disconnected from life. He looks like he’s okay, but he isn’t.

This misunderstanding is dangerous. It keeps many men undiagnosed, untreated, and unspoken for. Society teaches men to equate sadness with weakness. And when that sadness doesn’t look like tears, it becomes even easier to ignore. Instead of asking for help, a man might work himself to the bone, hoping productivity will numb the emptiness. He might lash out at his partner or retreat emotionally. He might scroll endlessly, binge-watch, overeat, or get drunk just to feel something—or nothing. And still, the world calls him “strong.”

But in reality, many men are carrying undiagnosed depression in silence, because they don’t have the language for what they feel. They might not even realise what they’re experiencing is depression. They just know that everything feels harder. They’re tired but can’t rest. They smile, but it feels forced. The things that used to excite them no longer hold any appeal. And even though they’re surrounded by people, they still feel profoundly alone.

We need to start recognising the symptoms. Not all depression looks like despair. Sometimes, it’s a loss of interest, loss of joy, or a loss of connection. And men are especially good at hiding emotions, because they've been told that their worth is in what they do, not how they feel. As a result, they keep moving, performing, and surviving until they burn out completely or break down behind closed doors.

Do you see yourself in any of this?

Please, be reminded that depression is not a character flaw. It is not a sign of failure either. It is not something you can always “shake off” or fix with more work. And you need to stop pretending you're not depressed.

Please talk to someone (friend, mentor, or loved one). Let someone in. Depression thrives in isolation, but it loses power in connection. You do not have to wait until you crash to seek help. You can begin today, with one honest conversation.

—Jaachịmmá Anyatọnwụ

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Read Issue 1: Why Don't Men Cry?

Read Issue 2: Tough Doesn't Mean Numb

Read Issue 3: The Armour Called “I'm Fine”

Read Issue 4: "Man Enough” is a Performance of Masculinity

Read Issue 5: When Boys Become Men Without Becoming Whole

Read Issue 6: The Loneliness Epidemic

Read Issue 7: Perfectionism: The Myth Of Never Enough

Read Issue 8: They Say It's Competence, Yet The Man Is Functioning But Fading

Read Issue 9: For Most Men, Hustle Is Self-escape

Read Issue 10: Why Support Often Comes Too Late

Read Issue 11: Fatherhood And Emotional Distance

Read Issue 12: Pressure to Provide, and the Quiet Shame of Falling Short

Read Issue 13: Men should build friendship beyond banter

Read Issue 14: Why Men Only Get Their Flowers When They're Dead

Read Issue 15: Why Some Men Fear Intimacy (But Crave It Deeply)

Read Issue 16: When Men Become The Therapist Friend

Read Issue 17: How Friendships Save (or Starve) a Man’s Soul

Read Issue 18: The Unspoken Bond: Platonic Male Affection

Read Issue 19: Accountability vs. Shame

Read Issue 20: Why Many Men Struggle With Asking For Help

Read Issue 21: Men and Anxiety: It’s Not Just Stress