men's mental health awareness series 17
How Friendships Save (or Starve) a Man’s Soul
Dearest Gentle Reader,
There are friendships that breathe life into a man. And there are friendships that leave him gasping.
When we speak of men’s mental health, we often focus on trauma, fathers, partners, or the workplace. Rarely do we pause to ask: Who are his friends? How are they shaping him? What space do they hold—or fail to hold—for his becoming?
Friendship is one of the most under-acknowledged influences on a man’s emotional life. And yet, it is often the first mirror in which he learns to either see himself clearly… or stay invisible.
Growing up, many boys are conditioned to treat friendships as arenas of banter and bravado. “No homo” became the disclaimer for anything tender. Deep conversations were interrupted with jokes. Vulnerability had a timer. Real connection felt… well, awkward. So we learned to keep it shallow, and called it loyalty.
We were taught that women are where you go to cry, but men are where you go to hide.
But in reality, the absence of emotionally nourishing friendships doesn’t just make men lonely, it makes them brittle. It feeds the myth of self-sufficiency until it becomes a prison.
A man with no real friends is often not just alone—he is unanchored.
But a man with soul-level friends is dangerous in the best way. He is strongly softened, sweetly sharpened, and sanely stretched. He has springboards, support systems, mirrors, sounding boards, and reminders. He has shoulders that hold him and voices that challenge him. Such a man becomes someone who doesn’t just survive life—but lives it pretty well.
I guess, I'd be right to say friendships either save a man or starve him. There is no neutral ground, really.
So, dear reader (if you’re male), we must begin to ask the hard questions:
Who do I let in, and why?
Do my friendships hold space for honesty, or only performance?
When last did I say to a brother, “I see you. I value you. I’ve got you”?
We were never meant to carry everything alone, bro.
Not all healing comes from therapists. Some of it comes in laughter over nkwobi and mmanya, in mid-night voice notes, and in sitting beside a brother who doesn’t need fixing—just company.
The soul starves where silence replaces truth. But it thrives in the presence of friendship that dares to be real.
So, choose your people with care. And also, be those people for some brother man out there.
See you tonight.
—Jaachịmmá Anyatọnwụ
Read Issue 1: Why Don't Men Cry?
Read Issue 2: Tough Doesn't Mean Numb
Read Issue 3: The Armour Called “I'm Fine”
Read Issue 4: "Man Enough” is a Performance of Masculinity
Read Issue 5: When Boys Become Men Without Becoming Whole
Read Issue 6: The Loneliness Epidemic
Read Issue 7: Perfectionism: The Myth Of Never Enough
Read Issue 8: They Say It's Competence, Yet The Man Is Functioning But Fading
Read Issue 9: For Most Men, Hustle Is Self-escape
Read Issue 10: Why Support Often Comes Too Late
Read Issue 11: Fatherhood And Emotional Distance
Read Issue 12: Pressure to Provide, and the Quiet Shame of Falling Short
Read Issue 13: Men should build friendship beyond banter
Read Issue 14: Why Men Only Get Their Flowers When They're Dead
Read Issue 15: Why Some Men Fear Intimacy (But Crave It Deeply)
Read Issue 16: When Men Become The Therapist Friend
But then I went to Google and asked if men have mood swings. And Google said yes😊
One day I told my friend that I was having mood swings. I was trying to be real, but he said only girls have mood swings. I laughed and changed the topic. This particular person, there are conversations you can't have with him.