men's mental health awareness series 7
Perfectionism: the myth of never enough
Dearest Gentle Reader,
There is a version of manhood that says, “You are only valuable if you are exceptional.”
Ever heard?
Maybe you've never heard it in those exact words, but look around you at every man in your circle, and you'll see how true those words are.
Many men have internalised that message deeply. From the moment they were old enough to be compared to their peers, they were told that falling short was failure. The result is a silent epidemic of perfectionism—a psychological trap that rewards men for being high achievers while eroding their sense of self-worth when they inevitably fall short.
That's crazy!
And unfair!
And should end!
Now, this reminds me of Dax's “A Real Man.” The lyrics aptly capture my thoughts on this matter. I'm gonn' pause writing, Google the lyrics, and paste an excerpt here…
Yeah, she said she wants a real man Uh, one who opens up the door, hold her hand And still smiles when he feels bad In control of his emotions, wears his heart on his sleeve but don't get mad One who gives her all his time Puts his dreams to the side and gets a real bag Yeah, she said she wants a real man But what she wants is not for real, man Realest story ever told Can't have a man who's makin' money always home Heart like a truck, that's why he's always on the road Providin' everything you need to live the life you say you want Can't have a man who wears his heart on a sleeve That won't rip once a while at the seams Especially if you never take the time to look into his eyes And hear him when he silently scream
Society wants a “real man”—one who's perfect in every way, bottles up his emotions, and beast-of-burden his way through life while breaking beneath the weight of muffled/ignored cries for help.
But what's this obsession with perfection in men?
If a “real man” is possible, why then is the perfect man broken and confused?
That's because perfectionism is not just about wanting to do things well. It is about needing to do them flawlessly in order to feel secure.
A perfect man ties his identity to his output. And when his self-worth is fused to his achievements, failure doesn’t feel like a mistake. It feels like a personal collapse. A shameful downfall. An insult to manhood.
For perfectionist men, even small missteps can spiral into shame. They believe they must always be one step ahead, always in control, always exceeding expectations.
This relentless standard does not only affect men’s careers. It shows up in their relationships, in parenting, and even in self-care.
Such men avoid trying new things for fear of looking incompetent.
They procrastinate not because they are lazy, but because the idea of doing something imperfectly is intolerable.
They are often critical of others because they are even more critical of themselves. And when they do succeed, they rarely feel satisfied—it’s never enough.
This constant striving comes at a high emotional cost. Anxiety, burnout, imposter syndrome, and depression are common among men because of this.
What about relationships? They suffer when perfectionism replaces presence.
Self-esteem erodes when no accomplishment ever feels sufficient.
At its core, perfectionism in men has never been about ambition. For centuries, it's been about fear—fear of being seen as ordinary. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of being seen as less.
What should be done about this?
Well, men need to free themselves from these shackles. This freedom begins when men realise they do not have to earn love or respect through endless performance.
Dear brother, you’re allowed to be human.
You’re allowed to try, fail, rest, and begin again without losing your dignity.
Never. Forget. That.
— Jaachịmmá Anyatọnwụ
Read Issue 1: Why Don't Men Cry?
Read Issue 2: Tough Doesn't Mean Numb
Read Issue 3: The Armour Called “I'm Fine”
Read Issue 4: "Man Enough” is a Performance of Masculinity
Read Issue 5: When Boys Become Men Without Becoming Whole
Read Issue 6: The Loneliness Epidemic
This is beautiful ♥️♥️♥️♥️