men's mental health awareness series 2

Tough Doesn’t Mean Numb

Dearest Gentle Reader,

Yesterday, I wrote about “men don't cry.” One would think that's the highest propaganda male humans fall for, but have you heard of “tough guy”?

Well… today, let's talk about toughness—or at least, the version of toughness men are often sold.

You know the script… It follows this pattern:

Don’t show emotion.

Don’t talk about your fears.

Don’t open up unless it’s about work, football (other sports too), or something you can measure in stats.

Push through everything like it doesn’t bother you.

Smile and say “I’m fine” even when you’re falling apart on the inside. (More about the ‘I’m fine’ pandemic tomorrow).

But let’s call that what it is: emotional suppression. Yep, that's what it is.

That toughness is not strength, bro. It’s not manliness either. It’s just bottling things up until you either explode, shut down, or completely detach from your own feelings.

Let me paint you a mental picture. Say you're having headache. You can barely look at bright lights. You are finding it difficult to concentrate on whatever activity you have going on. You are restless. Then, you get a painkiller pill. You swallow it with a gulp of water. Moments letter, the ache subsides. You feel better.

But, you know what? What you just did was numb the pain receptors in your brain to stop feeling the pain. The ache is still there. The cause of the headache is still in your body. Soon, the headache will be back, after the effect of the painkiller pill has waned.

That's how toxic toughness works.

Being tough is good for survival. But being tough isn’t about being numb. It’s about knowing when you’re at your limit and not pretending otherwise.

To be tough is to have the courage to face what’s going on inside you, instead of running from it. But most men do the opposite. The ignore the pain, shut it out, and trudge through life emotionless and passionless.

I’ve met men who seem “put together” on the surface. They have great jobs. They are funny in groups. They appear calm under pressure. But privately, they're anxious, burnt out, suicidal, lonely, afraid to tell anyone how much they’re struggling, because they’ve been taught that doing so makes them less of a man.

But, you don’t need to be numb to be strong, bro.

You don’t have to keep everything in to be respected.

Real toughness is knowing when to feel, when to speak up, and when to ask for help.

So if you’re tired, stop pushing through, man. Take a pause. Speak to a mentor. Confide in a friend. Like David in the Bible, cry out to God if you must.

If you’re overwhelmed, say so. There's no shame in it. You’ve got nothing to prove by staying silent.

Let’s start rethinking what being “tough” really means, brothers, before we toughen our way into a sad demise.

—Jaachịmmá Anyatọnwụ

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