men's mental health awareness series 19

Accountability vs. Shame

Jun 24, 2025

Dearest Gentle Reader,

There’s a difference between calling a man out and calling him in.

The former feels like a courtroom.

The later feels like a circle.

Too many men have been shamed into silence when they needed to be held accountable in love. And just as many have been excused in the name of “bro code” when they needed a mirror to confront their shadows.

So here’s my thought, and also two questions for us men:

How do we build a culture where men are corrected without being crushed?

How do we call each other into growth, not just out of error?

While you answer in your heart, I think we should first recognise that shame is not the same as accountability. Both convey distinctly different messages.

Shame says: You are wrong. You are bad. You are unworthy.

Accountability says: You did wrong. You need to do better. And I’ll walk with you through the work.

Shame isolates, but accountability invites.

Shame silences, but accountability empowers.

Shame pushes away, but not accountability; it leans in.

The world is full of men who’ve shut down emotionally because they only ever received criticism wrapped in strongly-worded condemnation. They were told, “You’re toxic,” “You’re just like your father,” “You’re the problem,” with no room for redemption.

But growth doesn’t happen in rooms soaked with shame. Yeah? Yeah!

Growth happens in spaces where truth is told with tenderness. Growth happens where someone who cares says, “That wasn’t good behaviour, man. But you can make it right. And I’ll help you try.”

I write this to the brother who cheated, manipulated, ghosted, got defensive, ignored his children, bullied his partner, dismissed help, refused to apologise, to boldly and tenderly say: That’s not who you have to remain.

And to you who’s turn deaf and blind when a brother messes up: stop confusing silence with loyalty. Our silence doesn’t protect our brothers—it fosters their bad behaviour.

Real brotherhood tells the truth. Honest friendship isn't blind allegiance; it holds space for accountability and genuine change.

Let us be the kind of men who lovingly confront, and don’t shy away from tough conversations. Let's be men who give each other the chance to be better, and the grace to try again.

We can be both safe spaces and strong mirrors to our fellow men without compromising moral standards.

We can love each other enough to say, “That ain’t it, bro,” and still offer a hand to rise.

Lastly, do remember that truth is never the enemy. Rather, it’s the absence of love in truth that’s the real enemy.

—Jaachịmmá Anyatọnwụ