men's mental health awareness series 14

Why men only get their flowers when they're dead

Jaachịmmá Anyatọnwụ

Jun 21, 2025

Dearest Gentle Reader,

It is a quiet tragedy that many men are most celebrated in their absence.

Tributes flow like a deluge only when a man is gone.

Only when the coffin is closed do the words finally open up.

The obituaries are full of praise—“He was so dependable,” “He gave so much,” “He always put others first.”

But while alive, that same man might have walked through life unseen, unheard, and underappreciated.

Why is it that men often only get their flowers when they’re no longer here to smell them?

Part of the answer lies in how society views masculinity. I'll list them… masculinity is often seen as:

Silent service unappreciated
Strength without softness
A role to be fulfilled rather than a soul to be known.

Men are taught to be useful, not expressive, to solve, not share, and to carry weight, not show wear. And when they do all these things (carry families, hold jobs, shield pain, keep going through every storm), people often assume they don’t need affirmation. Society hastily assume men don’t need gratitude. They conclude that men are fine being beasts of burden. Why appreciate a donkey? It's doing its damn job, right?

So, for that reason, most men become invisible in plain sight.

Want to know what’s worse? This invisibility is compounded by the demand that they must carry on, even when breaking. As Dax puts it in his song "To Be a Man":

"They go to war, get thrown on the shelf / Then go back to war with their mental health / Then grab that bottle and ask for help / Try to pull themselves out of hell / Then fall back down and then realize / That they gon' have to do it themselves / It's the circle of life, as a man, you provide / They don't know what you're worth 'til the day that you die / And that's when they start cryin' / Then move on to a man to confide in."

It is a brutal cycle!

Men fight external battles, then come home to fight the ones inside their heads and the ones waiting at home to devour every fabric of peace external battles couldn't rip off.

Men reach out, sometimes subtly, sometimes desperately, only to be met with silence or misunderstanding.

And when the noise gets too loud inside and they collapse, society reacts with shock—grief, guilt, grand eulogies. But none of that helps the man who needed it while he was alive.

This is why a man can spend decades doing the quiet work of care—waking early, staying late, showing up, sacrificing—and still feel profoundly unseen. Not because no one benefited from his efforts, but because no one thought to say, “Thank you. I see you. You matter.” Not until it was too late.

We must change this.

We must give men their flowers while they can hold them with their own hands.

Affirm the men in your life.

Speak the words now, not later.

Let your father know he shaped you.

Let your brother know he inspires you.

Let your friend know he matters.

Let your partner/lover/husband know he's seen, appreciated, loved, cherished, means the world to you (both in words and deeds!)

Tell the man who always shows up that his presence is not just expected—it is cherished.

And if you are that man who gives, and fixes, and stays strong, may I remind you that you are not invisible.

You deserve to be appreciated, not just remembered.

You deserve love that isn’t delayed until mourning.